Hores should be free

shitmystudentswrite:

Hores should not be tamed.  Hores should be kept wild and free.  If a hore gets caught she will kick you in the face.

I get to mark essays on diversity issues next semester, oh boy.

Flight of the Valkyrie

Date: Thu, 24 May 2012 01:44:51 +1200

Subject: HI
From: EBZ ??@gmail>
To: BOYFRIEND ??@hotmail.com>
Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary=e89a8ff255aae5d71004c0b45667

HI [BOYFRIEND]!!!!!! Here is a thing I want to see! and we cocudl go see it together and it would be fun and we could have fun and it would be great!!! What do you think?????!

HIHIHIHIHI!!!

*hug*

I love you :))))))

[link redacted: regarding an upcoming 6 hour production by the national orchestra of Die Walkure by Wagner]

So, uh, this appears to be an email I sent last night at 1:45am. I’m not sure why I thought this was a good idea. Well, apart from Wagner being fun to listen to…

Boyfriend is back from overseas, hooray. We’re going through his millions of photos very slowly. So far after several hours of looking at photos we’re not even up to the wedding he went to, and that was about 5 days into a one month holiday. Oh man. 

I’m feeling a lot better depression-wise. I’m finally motivated to do things like “get up in the morning”, “read things more intellectually stimulating than George R. R. Martin and The New Zealand Herald”, “eat proper food”, “do washing” etc. 

Anxiety-wise things are still the same or similar. Still having trouble with people, around, still biting nails like mad. Over the past couple of days I’ve become needlessly hypochondriac. At this rate I might have to make a doctor’s appointment just to reassure myself that I don’t have a chronic incurable illness.

My last counsellor appointment went really weirdly. We broke up, sort of. Basically acknowledged that it wasn’t working, we don’t really click and he doesn’t really do anything for me. I’m meant to call and make an appointment with some other people but I’ve been putting it off a bit. Not sure why. Need to get onto it.

I’ve been really tired lately. I get tired out by stuff a lot. Reading more than one article at a time, concentrating on things, being in noisy places etc. It sucks, but I’m hoping that I can train myself to tolerate these things better. 

Oh! I got a thesis topic and supervisor, about fucking time. Stuff about racism and demographics and whether how you identify yourself has any relation to what kind of person you are in terms of attitudes and personality and stuff. Yay I’m going to end racism, hurr.

25th birthday has come and gone. I feel a bit old now, I guess? 

Being drawn into the university departmental grad student social stuff despite not making any effort to. Which is nice I guess, having that support network and all that. 

*yawn* That’s life for now I think.

Ok, trying to stave off the panic attacks. It’s sort of working.

So glad I’ve got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

fffffff

Ok, calming down now. thank god for the modern technological age and instant messaging, meaning i’m not trapped inside my own head so much. It helps not being so alone.

The ultimate irony of social anxiety i guess - being afraid of being around other people but being unhappy with being alone.

That was an interesting panic attack though.

A Song of… what.

Also, some really fucked up dreams lately.

I dreamt about Game of Thrones. Melisandre was at the North helping Jon train recruits or prepare or something for for some reason. This somehow led to them having sex, only she grew a penis and raped him. From Jon’s perspective. 

Though to be honest, George R. R. Martin probably would put that in the book if he thought he could make it work.

Haha, goddamn, well yesterday went poorly. Yeah the gain in energy and mood was somewhat temporary.

So I’ve been having neighbour noise issues lately. I hear them through the wall watching TV or listening to the radio or something till 3am most nights, which seems really weird. It’s definitely not coming from outside and it’s not from my other flatmates I’ve knocked on their door a few nights to get them to turn it down but no one ever answers, and I can do a mean “angry ex girlfriend” type knock.

Unfortunately, I hadn’t taken into account that the neighbour is one little old lady who lives alone. She was fucking pissed that someone had been banging on her door at 2am and insists that her quiet little radio is not the cause of my noise issues. When I went to talk to her about it I basically got reamed a new one and made me feel like the worst piece of shit on the planet, culminating in me just sitting by the side of the road having a wee anxiety attack. 

Seeing as I was on my way to have dinner with my mum, I took two lorazepam, which still did fuck all really. I was doing an awesome job of holding it together until my mother gave me my birthday card from my grandparents and I just burst into tears in the middle of the restaurant.

Just the idea that my grandfather has emphysema and isn’t expected to last the next few years, that my aunt’s intestinal cancer surgery is on the 21st, and yet they can still find time to send shit to me even though I do a really shit job of keeping in contact and live on the other side of the world and honestly, it’s like I don’t even exist 90% of the time.

Still, it was nice to dump my stress onto my mother instead of the other way round like it usually is. She’s finally getting a handle on the anxiety too - she offered to switch seats so I could sit with my back against a wall, which she hasn’t done before.

Anyway, not better yet, not by a long shot. Still living in piles of filth (though I’ve got it down to clothes, mostly), still avoiding people, still making shitty impulse buys, still procrastinating and freaking out at having to do actual work. 

At least I’m hungry again. There was a period there where I was living off bread and chocolate.

Oh yeah, and at the end of it all last night, I went home and fell asleep and don’t remember if I took my other pills or not because fucking lorazepam